One-on-One: making them better
We conduct several meetings in a day as managers. They range from product, progress, team check-ins, planning for the future, and whatnot. But, How many times do we set up meetings to connect with our colleagues individually? How sure can we be to say that we know our team members better? How much have we focused on THE PEOPLE?
So many times, I have seen managers push one on ones and never get back to it. It's obvious that too many meetings sometimes drain all of our social batteries, but hey, it is what we do. Right?
What we intend to forget ever so often is that these one on ones are not just any other meetings. It is our time, off of the monotonous work, to connect with each other, to know each other better, and if we do it right, to build friendships.
Although it's very people-specific and yes, not all my 20 team members think, or feel the same way. Having been on both ends, attending one on one as a report and a manager, I have had an abundant chance of knowing the Dos and Don’ts.
If you are a manager who has lost touch with why to conduct one on ones, or if you are a manager trying to conduct your very first one on one, here is a list of things we can do to make one on ones better for us: the managers, and our teammates.
Go Prepared
It is recommended that you and your report discuss ahead of schedule the agenda of the one on one. While this might be ideal, the everyday meetings and the hustles give us little to no time whatsoever. Writing down some talking points in the notes, or jotting them in bullets on a piece of paper might be a more realistic approach. However, be prepared on the most critical items you want to discuss with them. You can ask them to do the same. When you have the most critical things listed, you can make them a priority and discuss other things later, or in the next one on one.
Ask Questions
It might be the first one on one you are having with this person, or maybe the 10th, it is always better to go prepared. Learn a little about them, and remove every judgment you have of them. Let this be the first time you connect with them on a personal level. Let this be the time to actually get to know them better. Make a list of questions you think would allow you to know them better. From the simple: How are you feeling about this project? to the more complex ones: What do you consider your biggest strengths? make sure you have some questions prepared.
During one of my one on ones, I asked my colleague to list out three of her biggest strengths and weaknesses. She listed her weaknesses easily, but when it came to strengths, she was blank. I had to give her points on what she had accomplished so far, and how she had done them. After the conversation, she told me she had been feeling unconfident throughout the week, and now that we listed her strengths together, she felt much empowered.
You see, asking valuable, intentional questions can sometimes make people think, of themselves, of certain situations, and more.
Connect
Many a time, we are accustomed to showing our team the happy days. We confidently handle clients and have answers to most questions. But the reality is not just all that. One on one is a time when you can open up about so many things, beyond the regular work stuff. Share your vulnerabilities with them, share your failures, share your ideas with no filter. This will open them up with you, and help them connect with you on a personal level.
One time, one of my team mate seemed to be having a really low day. I had scheduled a one on one with him prior, so when we went in, I started by sharing my personal struggle. I told him that the week was getting too hectic and I needed to manage my stress. As I was sharing my struggles, he opened up and shared with me his personal hardship. He was going through a tough time with his girlfriend which was impacting his day. When he shared this, I asked him if wanted to talk about it. After he said yes, we talked about relationships in general, I gave him some advice, and we continued our session like any other. The next day, he was back, re-energized. He thanked me for the suggestion and was back being his motivated self.
At the end of the day, we are only humans. And humans have feelings. Let’s not forget that.
Be Present
Be fully present. Oftentimes, it's easy for us to drift away and think about the message you had to send to the client, or the email that needs your response, the Slack message that you just got.
Mute those for a second! 🤫
When we are distracted by other things, we cannot connect with them. It gives an impression that we are not interested. No one wants to feel ignored, right?
Although there might be pressing issues, this meeting is about them, so make it about them.
Feedback Loop
Make a habit of giving and receiving honest feedback. And “honest” is the key here.
Initiate a feedback session where you give them all the good things they did, and also some areas of improvement that can actually help them be better. Then you ask for their genuine feedback for you. This way, you both help each other become better.
When you are both giving each other constructive feedback, you give them a space where you can tell each other uncomfortable things. In some ways or the other, you are both uplifting each other in spirits and in career.
Support
When you give them an open space where they can share something with you, it is necessary that you don’t cross the line. If they have shared something personal or professional: a detail about themselves, make sure you support them. Give them their space and ask if you can be of any help to them. Don’t give them solutions right away. Sometimes, all a person needs is ears. Listen, and help them where they ask for it.
One of my colleagues shared with me that he had received an offer from another company. He told me that he was considering it given he felt he was stuck here. I asked him to do his analysis, and list out the pros and cons. In fact, we did it together. By the end of it, we found out that he only needed a change in project. He was happy with the office culture, and what he was getting. He just needed a more challenging project. I told him, I would talk to the engineering manager and got him into a new project 2 days after.
Fun fact: He is still with the company. 🙌
Do more
Although you may be meeting each other regularly and having conversations on a daily basis, make it a habit to conduct one on ones every end of Sprint, or every month. I have read most people say you should conduct it every week, but honestly, it’s not feasible for me. So do what floats your boat, but do it!
You might think that this is just another meeting, but it’s not. It is a chance for you to connect with them and build a stronger relationship.
In her book, “The Making of a Manager”, Julie Zhuo writes,
“A manager’s work is to turn one person’s particular talent into performance.”
And one on ones is a special opening where you identify their talents, and plan together how you can transform it into performance.
Clarity
We should never intend to confuse our team members. After you conduct the one on one, do not leave them guessing why we talked about what we talked about. Let your intentions be very clear in terms of the meeting and let them have their ideas poured out to you.
If they have shared something personal, let them know that it is okay. Be a safe space where they can share things and not get into trouble about it later.
After the meeting, make sure they are not puzzled, but rather feel empowered and happy to have had the conversation.
Making it something you both look forward to
One-on-ones although may take a significant amount of your time, they are one of the most essential meetings you conduct. It is a valuable time for you to connect with your teammates and discuss all sorts of things: their personal achievements, their workload, their future plans, what’s bothering them, what’s getting them excited, everything and more.
Always remember, when you take care of your people, they take care of everything else.
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